Somewhere Between

Barack Messiah

Sat, 08 Nov 2008 01:04:20 GMT

Another presidential election has come and gone. Having talked with a number of people here in the States, I think the most common feeling about it is that we are glad it’s over. The whole political process here began almost two years ago, and by this time last year I was very confident Obama would win. Whether we voted for Obama or not, most people here have already accepted our soon-to-be president, and are ready to move forward.

What surprises me most, though, hasn’t been how Americans have reacted, but how the rest of the world is reacting. I have read the words of many people from around the world, and it seems like the whole world wanted Obama to be the president. Desperately. My friend Eric, an American living in Holland, wrote here in his blog about how popular Obama is there. My friend Sander, a Dutchman who feels the whole world should be able to vote for the American president, was ecstatic in his response here. And as this Australian points out, everyone he knows felt that Obama was the only real choice for a leader. While I know the rest of the world tends to favor American Democrats, I am still amazed by the incredible excitement that surrounds Obama.

On one hand, I’m glad to have a President that is well received by those in other countries. In fact, I’m thrilled! I sincerely hope this president will have a stronger international mindset and who will make decisions not just based on what he feels is good for America, but for the whole world.

But I am concerned that this world may be putting more hopes into Obama than he will live up to, or perhaps even can live up to. Think I’m exaggerating? My friend in Dubai told us that people were dancing in the streets on the day Obama was elected. “Finally,” they said, “America has elected a Muslim president. Finally we have someone who will get rid of Israel for us!” I don’t even know what Obama’s stance on Israel is, but I can promise you those people in Dubai are going to be strongly disappointed. Wolfgang Ischinger, a former German ambassador to the US, even said, “A new face offers Europe a new chance to remarry America. That's the good news. The bad news is that this outburst of Obama-mania does create expectations which no president can possibly fulfill. Sooner or later there will be some disappointment on the way.” I hope he is wrong, but I suspect he is right, and I wonder what that will mean for the US and the rest of the world.

I am greatly blessed to have a number of international friends who read my blog. Can you explain this “Obama-mania” to me, and to the rest of America? I confess, I do not fully understand it. Why do you have such a powerful admiration for him? What is it that you expect him to do that another person would not? Why are the world’s hopes so firmly set on a man in a foreign country, whose future actions no one really knows?

Perzik

Two down, two to go

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 04:02:43 GMT

There's a lot that's been going on with me, and a lot I've been thinking about.

There was another round of layoffs at my work recently. I wasn't a part of it, thankfully. But I've been around longer than most of the company, and I know they appreciate my work. If they ever let go of me, you'll know things are really bad. And it may get that bad in a few months. So for the first time in years I've started thinking about finding new work. I've got to get my resume together and be ready if I get fired. It may even be wise to start looking now. Certainly, no one in my current workplace would look down on me for leaving right now. But I do like working there, and I'm not sure what course I should take. And there's something else that is complicating that decision.

For most of the time I have been a Christian, I have been a missionary, at least in my heart. I have gone on several short term mission trips, and I loved the two years I spent in Amsterdam, helping the Zolder get started. I still yearn to go back to the field. I have ever since I got back from Holland. I haven't sought anything yet, though, because I didn't feel it was ever the right time. There have been several things which have held me back.

First, I came back from Holland with a very broken heart. I was incredibly lonely, emotionally beaten up or just exhausted, and I needed some time to rest and heal. I went to counseling for a while, which helped me get back on my feet and learn more about myself. I made good friends here, and got involved in a new group of young people at a fantastic church, which gave me a chance to practice my leadership skills. I am very glad for these things, because I really see how I needed them, and how useful they will be when I eventually do leave the US.

Although I wouldn't admit it, there were some other reasons why I was waiting here, too. First, I have enjoyed having a well paying job. Being constantly broke in Amsterdam wasn't fun. But now, I don't have to worry about money, and I have enough to be generous. I like being financially secure. But when that security keeps me from stepping out to do what I was meant to do, it becomes an idol of materialism. I do not look forward to raising support, and I know I would need to live on about half the income I have now. But I remember the parable of the farmer who scattered his seed, and I do not want these thorns to choke the life out of me. So I have let this go.

And while it can be embarrassing to admit, I think most of my readers will understand when I tell you that I also tarried here because I was hoping to find romance. I am a family man at heart, and I think life in general would be easier if I had someone to share the load. Most of us single people really would like to have that special relationship. I had hope I might find it, but that is gone for now. In good conscience, I cannot date any girl who is not also a missionary at heart, and at this point, I simply don't know anyone like that in the entire state. Part of me still didn't want to leave, until recently, when I was able to let that dream go, stop feeling sorry for myself, and fully embrace the beautiful life God has given me. Another idol out of the way, another dimension of freedom in my life, and another step closer to living my purpose.

Which leaves me with two obstacles I still have. The first and only real issue is that I don't know where I should go. Do I try to go back to Amsterdam? Do I go somewhere else in Europe? Do I go some other continent entirely? I have prayed for guidance, but I haven't really received any. Until recently, I don't suppose I was praying very sincerely. I am now. I feel ready to go, or more accurately ready to start that process. But how do know where to go until I receive God's call?

The second obstacle is less important. Once I figure out where to go, I'm not sure how to get there. There are enough missionary organizations which help with this sort of thing, so I'm not too worried about it. Of course, raising support will be a nightmare - one I'm not looking forward to. But then, I don't suppose anyone really does. If God is calling me to go, though, then he'll either find me the support I need, or he'll have something else really wonderful in mind. Either way, I just follow where he leads me and I'll be okay. Of course, if I were to go back to Amsterdam, I would probably have to raise support through GCM, which could be tricky because I'm not a part of GCM right now. But I'm sure that would work itself out too.

And I can't help but wonder at the timing of all of this. I may lose my job in a few months, and I feel free to pursue becoming a missionary again. Is this God lining things up? Should I be looking for another job at all, or looking at raising support? These thoughts are fresh in my mind, and I don't know the answer yet.

If you have any advice or comments on any of this, I'm all ears. I know what the Bible says about having many counselors.

Perzik

So true

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 02:49:57 GMT

This is the funniest comic I've seen in a long time, and even though I saw it months ago, I thought I would share:

Perzik

Ouch

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 21:40:14 GMT

Last week, my old small group at DCC had a mini-reunion. It was good to see everyone and hear all that had changed in their lives over the past year and a half. Partway through the evening, I made a casual observation.

I said, "Hey, check it out. Now I'm the only person in the room that isn't married!"

They responded, "That's not true. Maia isn't married either!"

Maia is the dog. They put me in the same category as the dog.

It's been over a week now, and I still don't know what to say to that.

Perzik

A long, good year

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 18:21:25 GMT

Well, it has been just shy of a year since I last wrote anything in my blog, and I know there are still people out there who check it from time to time. I want to apologize to you. You have cared enough about me to check this blog, but I have not been kind enough to let you know what has been going on.

As you would expect, enough has happened in the past year that I really can’t tell you all of it. But I know a brief update is better than none at all.

First, I can tell you things are going much, much better for me. 2006 was a miserable year, full of misfortune and struggles. This year has been easier and much brighter as well. After searching for a church for a long time, and praying about a few good ones, I found my home at Colorado Community Church. I joined a newly formed group of young people there, which has blossomed into a growing community of friends. I am now leading one of the discussion groups for this community, on The Journey of Desire, by John Eldredge. It is strange to be back leading others, but I really feel God wants me to grow in my leadership abilities right now, so I am excited to see where he takes me.

It has been so wonderful to be a part of a thriving community again. I am excited to see where God will take this group, and we continue to grow both in numbers, activity, faith, and love. I have made several close friends there, and I’m sure you can expect to hear more about those people and this church in the blogs to come, even if it takes another year.

I also feel I have grown in ways I never expected to grow this past year. I have seen my own insecurities and anxieties that I never knew I had. I have learned to let go of those anxieties by embracing God’s love, friendship, and strength, in ways I never knew how to do before. I have learned a new patience with myself and others, and live more in grace and trust than I ever have before. I continue to look to the future with hope. For example, over the past two months I have often asked myself the question, “What would your life look like if you truly believed that God would give you all you need for a truly abundant and joyful life every day, ever hour, every minute?" As I realize that God truly does give me all I need for such a life, a peace that goes beyond understand surrounds me, and it has dramatically changed my life.

There are other changes as well. My brother Kevin bought a house recently, and I moved in with him. We both enjoy the new house, and can’t wait for the basement to be finished. Here is a picture from our back porch today:

If you would like to pray for me, here is how you can do it:

First, praise God for all the wonderful things he has done in my life!
Next, pray that God would help me to grow as a leader, and to lead the people in my group well, constantly relying on the Spirit as my guide.

Thanks to all of you who read this, and care enough about me to want to know what’s going on.

God bless you all!
Perzik

In other news

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 05:22:26 GMT

And for those really interested, here are some of the other random struggles and events of my life, in no particular order:

LASIK

I got LASIK Surgery a month ago. The time I walked into the operating room to the time I walked out was less than half an hour. How’s that for speed surgery? It’s neat not to have to bother with contacts or glasses anymore. Still, while I’m safe enough to drive, my vision isn’t 20/20 right now, and I have a little double vision, even when I just have one eye open. The doctors assure me that it takes several months for eyes to heal, though everyone I’ve talked to said their vision stopped changing after a month. So, even though I don’t feel that great about it, I’ll wait a while longer. After all, with the plan I got, any further surgeries, if necessary, are free for the next two years. That will be enough time to really know what my vision will be like. And it is still cool to see pretty well without any correction. For the first two weeks, every time I went to bed, I felt like I was forgetting to take my contacts out. Shouldn’t everything always be blurry when you go to bed?

Weddings

I participated in two weddings in the last half of September. My older brother Cory got married, and my friend Christy got married. My brother’s wedding was great. It was only about twenty minutes long, but everything went perfectly. I’ve never seen a wedding that went off without any small problems before, but I can’t think of a thing that didn’t go perfectly here. The reception was beautiful, and a lot of fun. I’m really happy for Cory and his new wife Angie. I do think they’re great together.

My friend Christy’s wedding was a blast. She married a great guy named Doug. Christy was so nervous/excited when she walked down the aisle that she actually started bouncing in place once she got to Doug. And I don’t mean a little – she was intentionally jumping just high enough for her feet to leave the floor. It was everything I and the other groomsmen could do not to burst out laughing hysterically. The wedding was one of those Catholic masses/weddings, and it went well. Afterwards, we went outside and had some pictures, then went into the reception, which was a lot of fun. While we knew both of them were going to do their best to get cake on one another’s faces, I was impressed with Doug’s ability to smear cake across Christy’s entire face. I think her mouth was the only area that didn’t have cake on it. Ironic, isn’t it?

There were a few things that happened at Christy’s wedding that were really pretty minor, but stuck strongly in my mind because they were so different for me. First, twenty minutes before the wedding started, Christy sent one of her bridesmaids to fetch me. I went with her into the bride’s room, and suddenly felt a strong feeling of displacement. Men aren’t normally supposed to be in the bride’s room, right? It was akin to walking into the women’s restroom. Even when you know there’s no one in there, and it’s perfectly okay to be there, it still just feels… strange. As soon as I got in, Christy looked at me and said, “Oh good, you’re here. Read this; I can’t figure out how to finish this.” She stuck a notepad in my hands, and I started reading it. It was her vows. With such little time to spare, I quickly threw out a few suggestions for good ways to finish. I don’t think she even really took any of my suggestions, but they gave her enough ideas of her own that the wrote a couple more sentences, and we both pronounced it good. And it was.

The second thing that happened is something that you can’t fully appreciate unless you grew up in a very traditional church. I gave a Bible reading during the ceremony, just like at my brother’s. But here I did it in the Catholic manner. That means, before reading the passage itself, I said, “A letter from Saint Paul to the Romans.” Then I read the passage. Then I said, “The word of the Lord,” and everyone else said, “Thanks be to God.” Now, growing up in the church, someone else was always the one to say, “The word of the Lord,” and I always said “Thanks be to God.” Every Sunday, for years and years when I grew up, that’s the way it worked. Now, it was the exact opposite. I can’t describe the feeling, but it just seemed so strange, and very fun.

Good-bye to Frank

Late in September our pastor, Frank, announced suddenly that he was leaving professional ministry. We were all surprised – it had come out of nowhere. After everything that happened with Steve in Amsterdam, I feared the worst. As it turns out, however, he just feels that this is where God is leading him. He was the one who initiated the idea that he should leave after a time of prayer. He didn’t like the idea, so he talked to the elders about it. He had them pray - twice – and each time they confirmed what Frank heard from God. So now, my church is looking for a new pastor. It seems like a strange process to me, but I can see the benefit of it as well. I was almost on the team to find the new pastor, but things didn’t work out. It’s just as well. After all, as I’ll explain later, I’m not sure I’m in the right church anymore.

The smallest group that ever was

I agreed to start a small group at my church recently. Here, a small group lasts for a year, then disbands. It may well reform a few weeks later when things start again, or it may not; it allows for small groups to focus on a particular topic for a while, and not need to keep focusing on it year after year. We had a day at church where we announced all the new small groups for the year. All of the small group facilitators/leaders stood to one side of the doors just outside the church, so people could come up to us, ask us questions, and decide whether they wanted to be on our small group or not.

Almost no one talked to any of us.

We think it was just too intimidating to most people. We were all standing in a big crowd, holding clipboards, and so they would have to come up to the entire group just to talk with one of us. That was over a month ago, and so far, my entire small group is… me. I’m far from being the only person without anyone on their group. I don’t know what will happen with this next.

Friends

I’m not sure why, but I have had the hardest time making friends here. I just don’t have anyone who I see on a regular basis, or who really seeks me out that often. When I was in Amsterdam, I would ask my friends what we were going to do that weekend. Here, I know none of the people I know will do anything, at least with me. Every weekend is spent at home. I’ve tried to get people to go out and do things, or to come to my place and do things, and it never seems to happen. I’ve tried to spend time with people, and for the most part, no one seems to want to. They either have their own thing that they’re doing or just aren’t interested in being that social. I haven’t felt this unpopular since middle school. So, I have become very lonely here. I miss my friends in Amsterdam, and in Fort Collins. I miss the deep relationships I had there, and the many friends I had just to hang out with. The past two weddings I’ve gone to, I’ve stayed up late with people who were strangers to me, just goofing around and having fun. For one group, this meant simply standing in a parking lot for hours, talking, making jokes, and laughing the whole time. I can’t remember the last time I did that. Plus, right now, no one is really seeking me out that lives close to me. I have two good friends whom I talk with often, but the closer of the two is an hour away. So I want to meet new people, and make good friends. Friends like those I’ve had in the past. People who I can have fun with, who I can connect with, people who share a vision for something in this world.

The only problem is, I’m really not sure how to do that. I believe I’ll figure it out eventually, but right now I’m still trying to start.

Church

My church has changed a lot since I joined it a year ago. We lost a pastor, and many of the people who ran the church are gone now. Greg Grayson, my former small group leader, left recently for her daughter, because they didn’t have any kids who were his her age. And now I find myself feeling out of place there. I know a number of people there, but outside of Sunday mornings, I almost never see any of them. Even when I try to connect with people on other days, it very rarely happens. And I no longer feel like I know anyone there who is truly passionate for Christ. I want to live a radical, almost reckless life. I want to do big things, take big risks, and trust God will carry me through. I want to live life to the full, all the time. I want to dedicate myself to knowing and loving God and knowing and loving people. I just don’t see a lot of people with that same attitude in my church. There are a lot of people there who are certainly saved, but they don’t live that differently from most of the people around them. I almost never have conversations with them about spiritual topics, even when I try to bring them up. So, I am considering trying to find a new church. I don’t like the idea, honestly, but I can’t seem to escape it. I don’t want to be someone who leaves a church at the first sign of trouble. I don’t want to abandon the people I know there. Still, I have to admit I think I would be a lot more effective somewhere else, where I was with people who have the same heart I do. But then, where is that? If I left, where would I go? These are all questions which still remain unanswered.

Dating

Most of the people who read this will know that I have never been on a date in my life. It is a choice I have made for many good reasons. If anyone wants to know just what they are, let me know and I’ll write up a new post for them. Now, I have always wanted a girlfriend, and more, and I’ve found lately that desire is stronger. It doesn’t help that I don’t have many friends, and have been lonely. It doesn’t help that I am surrounded by people who don’t see any reason not to date someone based on their faith, or their long-term compatibility. Even my (now former) therapist suggested that I should find someone and date them, even if I didn’t think it would go anywhere. I honestly don’t know who I would date, even if I agreed with him.

Now, I know several godly, faithful women in Denver, but they all love Colorado, and don’t want to leave it. I, on the other hand, still feel called to be a missionary. This means I have a choice: pursue one of these women, or pursue God’s call. I choose God’s call, of course, and that won’t change. Still, I have to admit this is the hardest part of being a missionary in the middle of America. I don’t know a woman in all of Colorado I could see myself dating. Oh, I’m sure there are women I could, but I don’t know who they are. Some of my friends have suggested looking at e-harmony. The idea has some appeal… but I remain doubtful. I’ve heard a lot of bad stories about these dating services. Besides, I don’t want to date someone before I have a chance to know them well. That’s a slow process. I doubt e-harmony or other such services really facilitate that kind of relationship.

Sometimes contentment is hard. It’s made harder when you’re the only one around really trying to do that. I draw lots of strength from God, and also from several of my friends who live far away. I should read some Joshua Harris again. I want to be content with my life, and I know I can. For now, it’s just a struggle. And of my struggles right now, this is the easiest one, really, because here I feel I have the most direction. And maybe now God wants me to focus on learning more about contentment in every area of my life. And I think I am starting to do just that.

Urbana

In two months, I will go to Urbana, an enormous missions convention held every three years, and put on by Intervarsity. I can’t wait to go. My hope is that God will speak to me there, and let me know what his next step is for me. I am going to go with a new friend, Rodney, who just moved to Denver from Amsterdam. I don’t know a lot about it, and I’m trying to keep from having any expectations, other than that God will speak to me. I wish it were sooner, but I can wait two months. If anyone wants to know more about it, feel free to click this link.

Greg Grayson

Finally, there’s Greg. Greg is an incredible man of God. He is probably the single most grateful man I’ve ever known. Every time you get him talking about his wife, or his daughter, or his salvation, tears well up in his eyes. Every time. It never gets old to him. He was my small group leader last year, and he’s been a friend and mentor to me. I haven’t seen him in a while, though, because I learned a month ago that he has a tumor in his brain. Since then, his life has been a whirlwind. We don’t know a lot yet, but it looks like they’re going to try an operation to learn more about the tumor and possibly remove it. Please, if you read this, pray for him. We’re all fearing the worst and hoping the best, and praying a lot. As for him, he’s taking it very well. He’s been in good spirits and is very positive about things. He knows God is with him.

And that’s what is going on in my life. It’s been a crazy couple of months, full of pain, hope, joy and promise. I’m really grateful for so much, and I can’t wait to see what God does now.

Wow. I write nothing serious for half a year, and then ten pages in less than ten days?

Under the knife

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 20:12:58 GMT

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” - Proverbs 27:6a

Some people think what God wants most for his children is that they be happy, healthy, and live pleasant lives. I know better. It is not that God wants us to be miserable & sick, but rather that God has a better, higher goal. He wants to love us, and in doing so he wants to change what we are like. He wants to heal us and strengthen us. He wants to make us into men and women who are like his Son, capable of knowing God intimately and bringing his light to others as well. This is often a pleasant process, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes God has to discipline us, correct us, and even cause us pain. Sometimes, God will hurt us deeply, cutting down into the very core of our being, like a surgeon removing a tumor. And God rarely uses anesthetic.

But perhaps I should start at the beginning.

I was abused as a child. I know I’ve never said this before, and that’s because I never considered it abuse before. Some of you still won’t, but I don’t care – I know the effect it had on me. From fourth grade until eighth, every day I went to school I was a target. I was the outcast, the one at the bottom of the pecking order, and there was always a pecking order. I had few friends, and they sometimes abandoned me because some of the abuse I received would spill over on them. Sometimes they abandoned me for other reasons. I received more insults than I could ever remember, was shunned, pushed away, and the butt of countless cruel jokes. Physically, I was absolutely tiny, so there was little I could do to fight back when the bigger boys would decide to hit me or pick on me. There was never anyone I felt I could turn to for help. Parents and teachers didn’t even slow it down. Other kids would never help; they’d either ignore what was happening or join in.

I had several enemies, people who would search me out from across the school to bully me, and I learned what it meant to hate. I understand Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, and why they did what they did. Anyone who has been truly bullied does, for we have all done the same things to our tormentors in our minds that those two did in Columbine. Mostly, though, I learned to hate myself. I learned there was something tragically and unchangeably wrong with me. I learned I was a loser, that I was the most pathetic person ever to walk this earth. I learned I deserved to be punished just for anything I did. I learned I was stupid, ugly, worthless, morally degenerate, weak, and utterly hopeless. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had ever truly considered suicide. I shudder at those times, and thank God I didn’t. Nonetheless, I know the worst time of my life started when I was just ten years old.

Eventually, I learned to beat the bullies. I learned that they wanted me to be afraid, to cower, to be hurt, and to cry. I learned that if I simply never showed them they were having any effect on me, they would eventually move on to someone who would. I learned to ignore, or pretend to ignore, any abuse I was receiving. If someone pushed me, I would just keep walking as though nothing had happened. One day, someone tried to kick my foot out from underneath me to make me fall. I think they may have broken it, since it took over a month to stop hurting, but I just kept walking, trying my best not to limp. I never even turned around to see who it was. To this day, I don’t know who did that to me, and there were too many people who did that to me too often to have any idea who it might have been.

I learned I could never make a mistake, no matter how slight, without drawing wrath and pain down on me like a magnet. The kids I was around were like wolves – show any weakness, and they would pounce. I learned never to show weakness, never to admit pain. Eventually, I also learned I could gain friends by being the clown, making everyone laugh and keeping the more unattractive truths about me permanently hidden. It wasn’t until I learned how to truly hide myself that I more than the occasional and temporary friend.

What saved me then killed me as an adult.

Most people have some great life struggle, some problem or sin they seem to keep coming back to again and again throughout life. Mine is shame. I have gone through many periods in my life where I have fought with it. Shame, as I define it, is not feeling bad about something you’ve done, but rather feeling bad about who and what you are. In countless ways over the years, at many times, I have struggled with feeling inadequate. Those kids at school taught me it, and no one really tried much to assuage it. I try to be free of my past, but the past rarely lets go of someone permanently.

Still, since becoming a Christian, God has been working in me and shown me a lot about myself, and has done much to undo the work of my childhood years. Several times throughout my life, he has focused on my shame, seeking to transform my thinking. This is another such time in my life. I am finding it to be one of the hardest, perhaps because I feel it is going deeper than it ever has before.

I always considered myself to be a very rational, logical person. It’s not that I never felt emotions, nor that I ignored them entirely, but rather that I felt I was a person who was driven far more by reason than by feeling. While I still consider myself a fairly rational person, I have come to see I am driven very strongly by my emotions as well. Often, this happens without me even realizing it. I’m finding I often feel things which don’t make any sense at all. I will be afraid, or angry, or sad, or guilty over something that simply doesn’t matter, and which I know doesn’t matter. Some days, I have felt miserable, and spent the entire day unsuccessfully trying to figure out why. I tried a lot of things to change it, from praying, to telling people about it, to trying to ignore it. Some days, nothing works.

There were many, many times when I felt like an emotional wreck, week to week. I would be doing okay for a while, then I something would happen and I would be crushed. I don’t want to be one of those people who never seem to heal from their wounds, who are controlled by them, but control was the very thing I was losing. Or, more likely, I never really had it in the first place. Throughout all of this, the powerlessness I felt my whole life was laid bare, and the pain of it is very raw. I have been overwhelmed by everything I am going through several times, and have lost all sense of hope a few times. I am so grateful for my friends and my God, who have continued to steer me back. I know the devil has done his part, and has fostered confusion, fear, and doubt in me. I do my best, but sometimes things seem so unclear, and we all know how hard it can be to fight an enemy you cannot see.

So I am learning to pay more attention to what is going on inside me, and to deal with it. Much of what I am dealing with is very irrational, which can drive me crazy. I can have all the reason in the world on my side, and it doesn't seem to help. I'm learning that truth cannot simply be known; it must be experienced as well. If I am feeling alone or ashamed, simply thinking about God's love and realizing all the reasons I have to feel good about myself rarely does much. Instead, I must often somehow find and experience love and acceptance, which then corrects the problem within me. I have turned to God countless times, completely unable to hold myself together. Nothing has surprised me more than God in the past year. He has surprised me because he has helped me far, far less than I would have thought.

It started when I would turn to God in desperation and he would let me know he was there yet keep me at a distance. The first several times he did this, I was very hurt until I realized the message he was trying to tell me: “I’m not the person you should be telling this to.” That first time, I did not have the courage to call someone. I felt so weak, and I think I felt if someone actually saw the pathetic state I as in, I would lose their respect. But a friend happened to call me, and, forcing every unwilling word out of my mouth, I told them exactly what I was going through. Of course, I did not lose their respect – if anything, I gained more because of my courage to be open. Since then, I have had many times when I have been forced to rely on friends, telling them all the things I can’t deal with as they happen. I have learned it is mostly when I feel weak that I want to shrink away, I want to hide myself and not let others see what I am going through. It is my shame, and often even when I find the idea of losing my friend’s respect ridiculous, I still ha a hard time picking up the phone and calling. It has taken a long time to be open with my weakness, but it’s much easier now than it ever was.

Still, it wasn’t enough. Two months ago, I looked to God for help, and as has happened several times this past year, he didn’t do anything to help me. For two weeks, I emotionally broke down. I was angry all the time; terrified all the time. I didn’t know why God was refusing to help me. I didn’t know what to make of it, and I was tired and angry at what my life had become. Was it always going to be a constant struggle? Was it always going to be a fight? Was I never going to have any control over my own emotions? I was tired of the constant ups and downs.

I went through two weeks of hell, and then I got my answer. God wasn’t helping me because I didn’t need his help. Like a bird pushing its child out of its nest to teach it to fly, God was forcing me to try on my own. He knew I could do it, but I didn’t. I was strong enough to face all this without needing God or anyone else to protect me or support me through what I was going through. After all the lessons I’ve learned and heard in life about relying on God, it was a very counter-intuitive thought. Who would have thought that God was teaching me to rely less on him? But I believe this is exactly what God was teaching me to do.

As I have reflected on this the past several weeks, I have come to realize more and more what this change means. I grew up being a victim. I tried for years, unsuccessfully, to avoid being bullied. What I didn’t realize is that I have felt like a victim ever since. Ever since being in grade school, I have felt like I am small, and weaker than other people and many other forces in this world. I felt like a pawn, like I wasn’t in control of my own destiny. God was making me stand on my own, showing me I am a victim no longer. I didn’t even realize that was how I felt until I broke free from it. I feel strong now. Not invincible, but strong. I feel that though I may be caught in a storm, I can still steer the boat where it needs to go. I am stronger than the problems I face.

Never before have I felt so motivated to work. Not at my job, mind you, but on myself and on my life. I have been a passionate person for years, and now that energy is being pored into actively trying to make changes, rather than merely praying and waiting for opportunities. Mind you, I still pray – I would be a fool not to. But now I am trying to do far more. I feel as though I can drastically change my life, but I will have to work hard myself, need the support of God and my friends, and I will have to be very smart about it. But it can be done.

I still rely on God constantly. I still seek him and his help. I still seek my friends, and their help. Now, however, instead of seeing God as going before me, I see him more as fighting beside me. I still ask him to guide me and to support me. He is with me constantly, even though I often forget. I know there will be many times in the future where I will need to rely solely on God. I may be strong, but I am not Superman.

In fact, I know I have a lot to learn in every area. I still struggle, and I still have days where the bottom drops out of my emotions, for reasons I still cannot fully fathom. I feel as though this is more of a half-way point in the surgery God is performing. But it is a milestone nonetheless, and I am learning more peace and hope now. I will learn why I feel the way I do, and how I should embrace and change those thoughts and emotions. I will get there, I will learn, I will become yet stronger. God has led me down an excruciating journey, but I am yet grateful for it.

I know several of my friends read this and think about all my arguments with John Eldridge. Someday, I know, those will have to be revisited. Stop grinning, Sam.

I have three prayer requests for anyone who reads this:

Pray for me that I would continue in the path God is laying out for me. This new-found confidence is still fragile, and some days I almost lose it. Pray that I never do.

Please pray for me as I seek to connect with other people. After being in Denver for almost two years, I realized recently that I really have almost no friends within an hour’s travel. Every weekend and most weekdays are spent being bored and lonely. Thus far, my efforts to change this have failed, though I will still try.

Finally, pray for my friend Greg. Greg is an incredible man of God, and an inspiration to me and many others here. Greg found out a few weeks ago that he has a tumor in his brain. Pray for his healing and for support for both him as his family.

Thanks for reading all the way through this lengthy letter. I pray God can be gentler with you as he leads you forward in your life, but if not, I pray you know he is with you through every step. May his peace and love always be in your heart and mind.

Perzik

What a difference a second makes

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 13:08:15 GMT

Have you ever been instant messaging with someone, and one of your friends messages comes in just before your reply, which makes your reply seem like it says something other than what you meant?

Check out this conversation:

Perzik

Fun videos

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 03:24:22 GMT

I thought I would share with you some of my favorite videos on the web:

Alfred Hitchcock's The Fish - Okay, I titled this one, but you've got to see it.
Feinting Goats
The Superbowl Commercials - For those of us who were overseas during the Superbowl.
The Umbilical Brothers - Easily the funniest one here.
Real Life Simpsons
There She Is - I posted on this one earlier. I love the music, and the flash animation was pretty impressive.
More - Probably the only serious link I have here. It's a powerful story and well animated.

And now, some very strange things which most people won't like, but I thought were funny:
Blindfolded Mario Piano Player
Star Trekkin' - The weirdest one here
Peanut Butter Jelly Time
Magical Trevor - A very strange song, but kinda catchy.
The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny - There is some cussing in this one.

If you like any of these, drop a comment and let me know.

Enjoy,
Perzik

Doha Differences

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 11:21:08 GMT

Well, I was in Doha over a month, and I know a lot of people will want to know what it’s like. You’ll also want to see some pictures; for that you can go to my Doha Picture Page, which also has some other little anecdotes from me. It took a while to get used to things there, just like in any culture. Some things are obvious, but others are not. For instance, the way women dress here is obviously very different than in the States, but that’s a difference everyone knows. I thought I would share a few which might not seem so obvious. At the very least, they were a surprise to me.

Dangerous

Most people I know seem to really worry about me being in a Middle-Eastern country. I guess they think I’m going to be kidnapped in broad daylight or something. Actually, probably the greatest danger to me here is crossing the street. There really aren’t cross-walks here, and there aren’t many stoplights, either. When two streets intersect, there’s almost always a roundabout. To make matters worse, the traffic here is always bad. So if you’re on one side of the street and need to get to the other, there’s only one option: a mad dash when there’s a tiny break in traffic, hoping it’s big enough to get to the divider in the street before that overeager driver in the Porsche catches up to you. Sometimes I’ve had to wait almost ten minutes before there was a big enough break for me to sprint to the other side and dive onto the safety of the divider in the middle of the road. And then you’re only across half of the street. Heaven help you if you’re old in this country. As far as I can tell, the elderly must either take a taxi to the other side of the street, or they simply wait until 4am when there’s no traffic to cross. Maybe that’s why the oldest man I’ve seen here drives a taxi.

Though I’ll admit, the first time you see a cop with an AK-47, it makes you pause.

Desert

Doha is essentially located in the middle of a big desert. The sand is everywhere here, even in the heart of the city. It’s this whitish-yellow sand which blows around when it’s windy (which it is often) and covers everything. If you wear a black shirt, it looks dusty after you’ve been outside for just ten minutes. But what I really hate most about the wind is that it throws the sand and dust into my eyes. I wear contacts, and that can hurt. One weekend I had wanted to go to the beach, but gave up because it was too windy, and I had to squint hard everywhere I went. What’s the point of being outside if you can’t even see it?

The weather here is either warm or hot. Even at night, I don’t get cold outside, and can very easily work up a sweat. It gets a little cloudy sometimes, but it only ever rained once, which may have been the first time all year. They don’t have drainage systems in place, so the water just stays around in huge puddles. It makes some sense; worrying about rain in Doha is a bit like worrying about snowfall in Texas.

And yet, despite the fact I’m staying in a desert, it’s still more humid than Colorado!

Buildings

All of the architecture here, from office buildings to homes, is very new. I haven’t seen a single building I would guess is more than twenty years old. Some are very beautiful and some are very run-down. Still, I wonder what this town looked like 30 years ago.

The construction doesn’t stop here. When I woke up at 6:30, I usually hear the sound of at least two separate construction projects. Half of the city has been torn up and is being rebuilt. I’ve even seen people working at night, using bright lamps to see as they chiseled mortar off a wall. The rumor is they’re doing all this construction because of the Asia Games they’re set to host in late 2006. Supposedly, they’re behind on their construction, and if they don’t catch up, the Asia games will be held somewhere else instead. That’s enough to get any country moving.

Cats

Some cities have rats, some cities have flying rats a.k.a. pigeons. Doha has cats. I’ve seen a lot of cats here, and they are all completely feral. You can get close to them, but not close enough to touch them. I have often found them around dumpsters. For the most part, they just seem to ignore people, and people ignore them. I don’t think the Qatari as a whole keep cats, or pets at all for that matter. I was told they were brought into the country to take care of a rat problem, and became the new scavengers in the area.

Served

The biggest difference, though, which has been the hardest for me to adjust to, has simply been being served. And I mean served everywhere. You know in movies of older times where you see where the affluent white family has a bunch of black servants in their home who do every menial chore for them? That's what it feels like here. Let me give you an example of a few of the many ways in which I am served.

Sitting on my desk at work at any given time was a bottle of water. Not only did I always have bottled water, it was delivered to me, cold, several times a day. A person who almost resembles a waiter came in and gave me my water. I never even had to ask for it. Others in the room ordered coffee or small snacks. The kitchen where all this cold water was stored was just across the hall. I could get my own water and be back in half a minute, but I almost never had to.

I don’t know how to drive in this country, which is probably a blessing, so I was provided with a driver. This guy’s whole job is to take me wherever I want to go, whenever I want to do it. Sometimes I’ve told him to pick me up at 6:00am. Sometimes I’ve called him to pick me up at 10:00pm. Sometimes I’ve had him come all the way to pick me up, and then not been able to go, which means he made the trip for nothing. He can get anxious when someone is late, but I’ve never seen him upset or complain.

I was walking home one day last year when a guy on a bicycle stopped to talk to me. He told me he was looking for work, and wanted to be my own personal servant. Such jobs are fairly common in this country. Nearly every Qatari family has one. They cook, clean, nanny, and do lots of other errands for the family. And here was someone actually asking to have that role for me, saying he could even just work part-time. I was floored. Servants here only earn about 500 Rials a month – that’s about $150. They are expected to live with the host family, so their general living costs are covered, and they do have more employee rights in this country than in a lot of others. Still, it was strange to see someone seek me out desiring to be my servant.

Everywhere I went, someone wanted to serve me. I can’t say I really like how it felt. I suppose it was the manner in which it happened. I couldn’t shake the feeling these people might be viewing themselves as second-class citizens in their own eyes. They were all so… humble, perhaps too much so. But perhaps I am merely misreading things. I did not stay in the country long enough nor find such a servant with sufficient English skills to really find out what they thought.

And that was Doha. It’s not a bad place, but I’m glad to be back among friends and family.

Johari

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 13:54:53 GMT

Lee Vary showed me this, and I thought it was interesting. It is always a surprise to see how other people see you. It is always a surprise to see how other people see themselves. Do me a favor, take a few minutes and fill out my Johari window. Be sure to leave some sort of name so I will know it is you, even if it is not your real name. Answer it honestly; like every other person in the world, I have weaknesses and issues. I am not ashamed of them, so I hope you will not be either. And if you choose to make your own window, let me know, and I will be happy to answer it.

Perzik

Lonely

Mon, 06 Feb 2006 14:43:58 GMT

A disclaimer before you read my post. I did not write this looking for affirmation, or support, or encouragement. If you want to share how you deal with this issue, I would love to hear it, but you cannot be the solution. Despite my many problems, I am okay. You don’t have to worry about me. I am posting these thoughts because I wrote something like this in my journal last week, and after thinking about it, I thought I should share my thoughts, feelings, and struggles openly. God is bringing this to the forefront of my life, and I want others to share in what does, or does not, happen. I do this to let those who know me learn more about me, and also for those who struggle with the same thing, in hopes they can find some comfort in my words. This problem, I’ve found, is nearly universal, but that doesn’t make it any less personal.

I had been in Doha little more than an hour before my driver dropped Chris off at his apartment, and showed me to my own. I walked into my new apartment for the first time, and the guy who runs the apartment showed me around the place quickly before he left. As soon as he did, I felt incredibly lonely. It was dead silent. It is never dead silent in the States, at least not where I live. The last time I was in Qatar I felt oppressively isolated, less because of the place and more because of how my life was in general. The ghost of Qatar past returned and brought back some of the old emotions. I decided my first task should be to get my laptop set up so I could play some music so I wouldn’t feel quite so bad. It’s funny how a little noise helps one feel less lonely.

Lonely. I’ve felt a lot of that this past year and a half. I’ve felt a lot of that my whole life, really. God has been showing me quite a bit lately how hard of a time I really have receiving love from others. It doesn’t seem to matter if it is from God, from my friends, from my family. I don’t quite know why this is. I know I’ve had a hard time at it my entire life – my mother loves to tell a story about the time, when I was only six or so, I asked her how she could love me. I just didn’t get it. I guess I must still not really get it.

The funny thing is I know people really do love me. And not just a few people, either. I know my whole family loves me, and I know how rare and incredible a thing that is. I know dozens of people who love me; they prove it time and time again. Off the top of my head, I can think of dozens of people and hundreds of times they’ve shown how much they care about and appreciate me. Most importantly, I know God loves me. In fact, I would say I have experienced God’s love more strongly than most people, even most devoted Christians, ever do. It’s not uncommon for me to be almost giddy with his love. And I know what it is to love other people very strongly, very freely and very gladly, so I know what it is like for others who think and feel love for me. I know I have felt what it is to be loved, to be loved completely, without reservation even while being known completely. I have known deep and enduring friendships, many of them, which I would not have thought possible several years ago. I have known and felt incredible intimacy.

But it never sticks. Last Monday, I went to my small group to find they were throwing a little going-away part for me. I’m only gone a month, but they went out of their way to get some foods I liked, and they laid their hands on me to pray and send me off. I had a wonderful time with them, and I felt so appreciated the whole time. I’ve never felt so close to these people as I did then. But by the time I was half-way home, I felt more lonely than I had before I went. This sort of thing is not uncommon to me; it doesn’t happen every day, or every week, but often. I don’t get it. I don’t know why I have to remind myself I am loved; why I have to make myself feel it again and again. I know it – I never doubt it for a second. But I can’t hold on to the feeling, and soon I feel alone again, as though I had been forgotten. I feel abandoned. It’s ridiculous, but knowing that hasn’t stopped it yet. It feels like I’m trying to hold water in my hands, but I can’t keep my fingers closed. It all keeps leaking out.

God has been bringing this up quite a bit over the last couple months. I’ve heard it from my counselor, from books I’m reading, and from my own observations. This is a more serious problem than I’ve ever fully realized, and I need to do something about it. Like every other person who has ever lived, I need to feel loved if I am going to really live the abundant life God wants me to live. It’s not enough to know it – it must be felt, be believed, as well.

This problem may well be the most widespread problem of the 21st century, but that doesn’t really change it for me. I have to admit, it is a bit awkward to face it openly like this. I don’t like thinking about it much because it makes me feel like I’m being very needy, very insecure. Perhaps I am, but I don’t feel ashamed over it. Not tonight, anyway.

I’m still not sure what to do about it, though. It seems so unnatural to try to force myself into feeling love, but what else can I do? I try to remember things people have done for me, like what my small group did. That helps, but doesn’t always last much longer than the original experience did. I talk with God, and I receive him, and lately that has done more than anything else. But sometimes, like that first night, I still feel sharply lonely. I feel isolated.

It needs to end. It needs to change. I don’t know how that’s going to happen, but I believe God’s going to show me.

Perzik

Airports

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 13:44:22 GMT

Written in the Denver International Airport:

I sit in an airport, waiting to fly to Chicago, then to London, then to Doha. It is a very long journey, but not the first time I have made this trip, and I am used to long journeys. I am not used to airports. I don't think there is anyplace in the world that quite feels like airports to me. There is no place that brings about so many strong emotions, both good and bad, as airports. I have so many memories, all of which surface when I come into an airport. I remember the first time I flew internationally, going to Kiev, and how it felt to leave the US for the first time. I remember how excited and nervous I was, playing a missionary for the first time. I remember how many wonderful people went with me. I remember going to Italy, suddenly hearing myself speak like a veteran to most of my fellow missionaries because I had been out of the country before. I remember leaving America behind and going to Holland, wishing God would let me stay. I remember leaving Holland behind and going to America, wishing God would let me stay. I remember the joy of going to England, to see Sam Whittington. I remember the frustration and fear of going to Northern Ireland for a vacation, only to be denied entry. I remember going to Austria, to Mexico, to the Czech Republic. I remember going on vacation, going on mission trips, and going to visit friends. I remember going home, and I remember leaving it.

Airports, to me, hold so much promise, danger, adventure, pain, joy, fear, and hope. I suppose that's because airports have brought me to so much promise, danger, adventure, pain, joy, fear, and hope. And so, as I sit in an airport, I can't help but feel a sense of wonder. Airports are supposed to be a place of transition, but too many things have happened to me in airports for me to view them that way. When I sit in an airport, I remember all the things that have happened to me because I have traveled so much, and it makes me think about the future. It makes me realize how much is possible. That scares me, and sometimes I feel sick with the fear, because I know just how bad things can get, and how easy it is to get there. But I also feel excited, embarking on a new adventure, and hopeful as well, knowing there will be remarkable beauty in whatever comes.

And so, I am not used to airports. Although I know my way around them, and am comfortable enough here, each time I am here it feels so fresh, new, and raw. In the end, sitting here with all these happy and painful memories, looking ahead into the great, shrouded future, one single thought comes to mind again and again: I love airports.

Perzik

The Gospel According to LEGO

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 05:51:31 GMT

A friend sent this to me a while back, and I thought it was fairly interesting. The old testament renditions I looked at seemed more interesting than the new testament. Unfortunately, while it's a very neat idea, it's put together by an atheist, and it shows in some of his interpretations. Be warned, too, not all of his pictures are entirely work-safe. Fortunately, he states on the front page what to expect in each section.

So go look at The Brick Testament.

Perzik

Da Beard

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 16:02:38 GMT

I don't think I've used a straight razor in my life, and with my hair, I really doubt I ever want to try. I use an electric razor, and I've had the same one my father gave me almost a decade ago. It still works well. It's a cordless, and when I went on my trip to Europe, I made sure to charge it the night before I left. The first day I woke up in Prague, I got out my razor to shave. I found out it had been switched on sometime in the flight over, completely draining the battery.

So, I decided to grow a beard.

Now, I grew it out a couple months ago, but I realized at a wedding this weekend how many people still didn't know about it.

Perzik

What kind of apologist are you?

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 23:08:34 GMT

You scored as Evidentialist. You are an evidentialist! Apologetics primarily consists in showing the good reasons one has to believe the claims of Christianity. You consistently confound unbelievers with your knowledge of history, science, and Bayesian computation that you learned from John Warwick Montgomery, Gary Habermas, and Richard Swinburne.

</td>

Evidentialist

80%

Classical Apologist

53%

Fideist

27%

Reformed/Presuppositional Apologist

27%

Atheist

What kind of apologist are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

No surprise there.

Perzik

Short-sighted

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 15:36:59 GMT

Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, "Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?" And Abraham said to God, "If only Ishmael might live under your blessing!" - Genesis 17:17-18

I read these verses two days ago, and every time I do, they make me stop and think. God had promised Abraham something amazing, something wonderful: he would be the father of nations. Not just one nation; many. After this, he had a son, not through his wife, whom he loved and cherished. But God said Sarah would bear him a son, and this would be the child who really held all the promises God had given.

Such an idea was too great for Abraham, at least at first. He never thought he would have any children, so I can only imagine how happy he was to have Ishmael. He already had everything he ever desired, and far more. He had a God who promised him great things, he had great wealth, he had a loving wife, and he had a son to carry on his name. How could he ever hope for more than that? His life already exceeded the dreams he had for most of his life. What could possibly be better?

God knew, but Abraham just couldn't see it.

I strongly identify with Abraham's problem. Now, I am very grateful for the life I'm living, but I wouldn't consider it a dream come true. Not yet, at least. Still, I have a number of dreams for the future, many hopes, and many things I pray for. Some of them seem so grand, I feel foolish thinking about them or asking God for them. Most of them, I am certain, will not come true, and I am perfectly content with that. I think we all have little dreams for the future that aren't hard to give up; some even contradict each other.

But when I read this verse, I have to ask myself this: what could God be planning to do with me that surpasses my dreams? He's done it before. When I was a teenager, I never believed I would ever really achieve happiness, but would live a life of mild depression. I wasn't even sure I wanted to achieve it - it would mean being someone I wasn't, and that scared me a little. I was comfortable where I was. Yet God has given me a life more full and beautiful than I ever dreamed. Even with all the hardships I've endured because of following Christ, this life is far better than the best I thought of back then, and I never saw it coming. Even since I have become a Christian, and begun learning all the amazing things God can and does do, he continues to do things I never expect. I never dreamed I could fall head over heels for God, but I did. I never imagined there could be a church as amazing as the Zolder, but I got to be a part of it. Time after time, God does more than I ever expect.

And I still have the hardest time opening myself up to the idea God can do more than I can see him doing. I still am only able to hold on the the slightest, paper-thin faith in the concept God will continue to lead me into situations different and better than those I have conceived. Sometimes, that faith tears, and like Abraham, I almost reject God's best in favor of what I can see and imagine.

So I guess I will try to hold on to that paper faith, and make it stronger. Mostly, though, I am simply very grateful. God didn't let Abraham's vision for himself get in the way of God's greater vision, and he hasn't with me either. I am grateful it is God's grace, and not my faith, that most strongly determines the course of my life.

Perzik

The second perfect number

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 05:09:43 GMT

What better day to let you know about my life than on the anniversary of when it began? It was a good birthday: I introduced my co-workers to the Dutch tradition of bringing tartjes to work on your birthday, I left early, I talked with a number of good friends, I went to a movie with my brother Kevin, and bought him dinner (one of our stranger and more fun birthday traditions). But there's more than a day to talk about. Things haven't changed much during the past few months, but there have been a few things worth talking about. I, of course, will do so at length. You didn't think this was going to be a short letter, did you?

Work has been going well. I enjoy my co-workers, all of whom have easy-going personalities. We have a good time, and I enjoy what I'm doing. We're coming up on a new release for our software, so it's causing a lot of people a bit of stress, but it doesn't affect me as much as it does others, so I'm still mostly taking it easy. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to make any real relationships with any of my co-workers, as they rarely want to do anything with each other after work. But I keep trying.

I'm still making friends out here, which I know is a long and often hard process. I'm still trying to figure out ways of getting people together, and of course it's easier to do when you have a church you are a part of. In the meantime, though, I've been spending lots of time with my roommate and brother, Kevin, who I am very glad to have around. I think we're both becoming more aware of how different we really are, but I think we're both coming to appreciate each other more, too. I have to admit, I like living closer to my family. And I have made a few new friends, as well as connected with a couple old ones. I've been especially happy Patrick & Kate Linden moved into town. Patrick and I go way back, and can swap Pinky & The Brain quotes any day of the week. Nonetheless, I still feel out of sorts here sometimes, and still have evenings when I'd like to do something with someone, but can't quite figure out who or what. Some of this, I know, is part of life anywhere you are, but I still look forward to having the deep relationships I know are so good for me, and which I have been so blessed with in the past.

In the meantime, I have been doing many fun things here in Colorado. I went on a hike with a bunch of friends up in Estes Park, I enjoyed going to Chris Dragon's wedding, I've taken many walks into Cherry Creek park, which is practically my back yard. One of the most fun things I've done is to go to the Colorado Renaissance Festival with both my brothers. I love the odd shops, the odd costumes, and the funny shows. I decided, for the first time, to start putting together my own costume, especially since my older brother Cory has such a good one. I even brought some friends along when I went to the second one. I'll see if I can't get some pictures up on my web-log sometime.

I have been spending more time with God, and I've been learning a lot about a number of different things. I've been learning what it means to lean on God in my loneliness, and how to really see him as a friend. I haven't had the passion for seeking him lately that I have had in the past, but I try to seek him anyway. I would love to tell you all of the deep, profound, meaningful things I've learned about God and myself, and while I still enjoy my times with God, I honestly haven't really learned much along those lines.

I have learned a lot, however, about church. These past several months, I have been eagerly seeking out God's will for churches. I have gone to many churches, most of them for weeks or more at a time, trying to discern where it is I am supposed to be. I have sought God on this, hoping he would give me some guidance, and except for one time, he hasn't told me anything. Because of that, I have come to two conclusions. First, I think God is steadfastly refusing to tell me which church he wants me to be a part of. Some things, I know, he lets us decide for ourselves. Second, I have had to change some of my ideas about church loyalty. Ever church I have gone to, I have been a part of it come hell or high water, and I think it was good for me to do so. If I had God's strong direction here, I think I would probably make the same decision. But loyalty to a church is not like loyalty to a spouse; there may come a time to leave a perfectly good church. While that is not a decision that should be made lightly or easily, it may nonetheless be a decision to be made. I wouldn't really have considered it before, but I feel I must keep an open mind to it now, even if I never make such a decision.

I've also learned a lot about being a visitor. From the very first time I set foot in a GCM church, I knew several of the people there, so I never really was a visitor. The past several months, I have had numerous opportunities to walk into a church where I didn't even recognize a single person. I've been encouraged because every single church I've been to is really following the Lord. They're doing it in different ways, but I see a love for Christ in each one. I've been sorely disappointed, however, in how they reach out to strangers. I found it very difficult to meet people, and I've found it is impossible to introduce yourself to anyone. Everyone is talking in groups of at least four or five, so introducing yourself means not talking to someone, but rather many people at once. Also, you must then either listen in, as a complete stranger, on their conversation, or they must completely terminate it to begin a new one with you. I've even gone to some lengths to see if I can make myself noticed, and I've been surprised how reluctant church people are to talk with someone they don't know. I used to be much the same way, I'm afraid. I know that now I will be much more sympathetic to those people who are new to a place, and I will try much harder to get to know them.

The one church I have gone to much more than any other has been the Firehouse. The Firehouse is a new GCM church in Denver, led by Rich Thatcher. I found it to be a lot like the Rock, but it does have its differences. The people are older, for one, which definitely changes the atmosphere a little. Still, when I first was going, I found it very hard to be there. I changed a lot in going to Holland, but the church didn't change that much. I was afraid being a part of the Firehouse would mean giving up what I had learned in Holland. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to fit in, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to trust the leadership or the culture there. I saw all the flaws first, and I see them still. But they aren't nearly as strong or as many as I first thought. My fears, fortunately, turned out to be groundless. The one time I really felt God spoke with me about churches was to help me define those concerns, and come up with questions to pursue to understand the Firehouse. I sat down with many people in a number of positions in the church, and spent hours asking them my questions. In the end, I had a much deeper understanding of the place. In the end, I really think highly of the Firehouse, and I am fully confident I could be comfortable there. I know I could make a difference there, that I would be appreciated, and that they really are doing a great thing. I know with peace it is a place I could call my home. Although I still see its flaws, I see its beauty as well, and my last fears of it are gone.

Nonetheless, I have decided to go to another church. Although it is hard, and a little scary, to leave GCM, the only ministry I have ever really known, I am excited to be a part of this new church. Diane Mulhollen introduced me to Denver Community Church, and I have been very impressed with it. The people are warm and friendly, the pastor has a good vision, and they have a powerful and Godly ministry. They have a heart to change this world, to believe with an undying faith and love with a supernatural love. This place, too, has many weaknesses, and I already see many of them. Still, I am excited about it, and I look forward to knowing it better.

A word to those people in GCM who read this. Please do not think I am leaving GCM because I don't like GCM. I love it, and may well return one day. I am not looking back with a desire to be rid of GCM at all; I am looking forward with a desire to be a part of DCC. I know I will always look back fondly with my time with you, and I hope you will continue to count me as your friend. I know I will continue to count you as one of mine.

So, I have finally found a church! I am really excited about it; and I am very hopeful about where my life will go in the next few months. Please pray for me, that I would be able to connect well with this group, and that I would continue to find my niche.

Now if only I could figure out these crazy Denver streets...

God bless,
Shawn

Lekker!

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 15:03:01 GMT

It’s amazing, sometimes, how small things will get you really excited. Yesterday, I did a little bit of looking for Dutch foods online, to see if I could find a place in Denver that might sell some things I’ve been dying to have. As luck would have it, I found that that pretty much has them all, and they deliver, too! I found the site for Dubbel Dutch, and as I went through all the foods they have there, I grew more and more excited. I’ll finally be able to have some belegen kaas (old cheese) again, as well as pannekoeken, met Nederlandse stroop (Dutch pancakes and syrup, a lot different than the American versions). I decided to also get some stroopwafels, of course, and coekjes (cookies). While I don’t normally get very excited over food, I haven’t stopped thinking about this stuff since I ordered it yesterday. I think only an ex-pat (or an ex-ex-pat) can fully appreciate how exciting it can be to have some of the delicious foods from a place you used to call home. I can’t wait! Now if only I can find a place that makes decent shoarma…

So, what are some of the foods that you miss having?

Perzik

Evil

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 17:39:04 GMT

If you haven't read Todd's recent blog entry on the face of evil, click here to read it now. It's the entry under July 28th, called "Seeing." It's spooky, but very powerful.

Perzik

What world view are you?

Tue, 31 May 2005 16:54:11 GMT

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

</td>

Cultural Creative

75%

Postmodernist

50%

Fundamentalist

31%

Romanticist

31%

Existentialist

25%

Modernist

Materialist

Idealist

What is Your World View? (updated)
created with QuizFarm.com

I find it amusing I scored equal parts Romanticism and Fundamentalism. But how the heck did I have no score on Modernism? I mean, I expected to have a stronger Post-Modern score, but an absolute zero for Modernism? Still, I'm flattered they think I'm creative. If they only knew. ;)

Perzik

Amsterdam lesson three: a lesson on learning

Wed, 25 May 2005 17:19:40 GMT

Sometimes you learn lessons from people that are a lot older than you are. They’ve been through more than you have, they often know what it’s like to be in your stage in life, and they’ve had more time to learn. Sometimes you learn an amazing lesson just by watching them.

And sometimes you learn something just as valuable by watching a ten year old boy.

Max Bush, as anyone will tell you who has met him, is a very cool little kid. He’s bright, active, athletic, talented, and fun to be around. He always wants to be a part of the action, and can be fairly clever in coming up with ways to stall when it is his bedtime. He learned Dutch so well some of his classmates never knew he was American until they were told. In fact, Max is successful in almost anything he does. Whether it’s sports, academics, language, art, or just about anything else, Max always seems to excel at it, and if it’s something he doesn’t know how to do, he picks it up quickly.

Although he is bright, he doesn’t learn these things well because he is bright, but rather because Max knows a secret about learning. It is a simple secret. In fact, I doubt Max even realizes he knows it. It is so simple, I almost feel stupid trying to explain it. But I call it a secret because very few people seem to really understand or believe it.

I learned this, I believe, watching him learn how to play soccer. He would try to practice some move, or some trick with the ball, and I watched him lose control of the ball, or fall flat on his butt again and again. Yet Max never seemed to notice. He would hop back up, go chase down the ball, and try it again. And when he failed again, he got back up and did it again. Other kids his age already knew how to do it; being an American he hadn’t played as much soccer, and had to catch up. This never seemed to bother him. And slowly, after failing hundreds and possibly thousands of times, he got better. I saw him weeks later, and he had mastered it.

Max expects frequent failures, especially when he is learning. Max’s secret is he always believes he can get better at something. Just because he does poorly at something now is no reason to believe he can’t learn how to be very good at it. He can practice, and he can learn, even if his hundredth try doesn’t look much different than his first. He learns because he believes he always can.

I saw a psychological study in my general psychology course a few years go. They took two groups of people, and had them use a computer simulation. The simulation allowed the user to change a few factors in how a business was supposed to be run, and then projected an outcome for the year based in part on those factors. Each participant had many decades over which they ran the simulation. The groups ran the same simulation, but were given different instructions. One group was told no one was really better at these sorts of activities than another, everyone started at the same point, and what really mattered was experience. The second group was told this was not an activity someone could learn at all; it depended solely on one’s natural intelligence and ability. You were either good at it, or you weren’t.

The two groups had drastically different results. The first group took risks, learned from their mistakes, and became experts in the system. They did very well. The second group was much more timid. They didn’t take risks, they didn’t learn the system, they stuck with one little thing they didn’t do poorly, and kept with that. The second group felt their results were a reflection of their inborn abilities, and even a reflection of themselves. To fail meant not doing something stupid, but being stupid. The second group didn’t feel their outcomes had anything to do with who they were. They expected failures, and they expected to get better. I heard about all this three years ago, but never really learned it until I saw it lived out.

It helps that I was in an Ex-Pat community; when you live in a foreign culture, you make a lot of stupid mistakes, and you do learn to simply laugh at yourself. I have found I can be quite funny when I do something stupid. But now I have learned I can always learn. There is nothing I cannot learn: not drawing, not leadership, not even baseball. I am terrible at all three, but I need not remain so. And if I am surrounded by people who have learned to be better at it than I am, it doesn’t matter. I will learn; I will catch up.

Like I said, it is a simple lesson. I think we’re all told these things in fourth grade, and most of us believe it then. Somehow, most of us seem to lose it. I’m glad I learned it again.

Thanks, Max.

Perzik

Twenty Months

Wed, 25 May 2005 17:01:11 GMT

In the beginning of September, 2003, I had very long hair. When it was wet, and thus straight, it would come down to my elbows. Partway through the month, I cut off all but an inch of it. I only told one person my plans: Stephanie Westra, because she was the person who cut my hair. Everyone else, I surprised; anyone who knows me will tell you I love surprising people. I received a host of wonderful reactions. More than one person’s jaw hit the floor. Jen Ross just burst into laughter. Chris Smith altered a song during practice to sing about it. Lauren Romano groaned. Numerous people walked right past me without realizing I was there. Heidi screamed when she saw me – which I think was my favorite reaction. But there was one reaction I was hoping to see which I never did.

Until last Wednesday.

I walked into the Firehouse, and after a while I ended up sitting next to a girl from the Rock who I recognized, but whose name I couldn’t remember. She turned to me and said, “Hi, I’m Bree. I don’t think we’ve met before.”

I said, “I’m Shawn, and it’s been a few years, but we’ve met before.”

She said, “Wait – Shawn Peach?!”

Twenty months after I cut all my hair off, someone finally introduced themselves to me who already knew me, just because they didn’t recognize me at all.

It made my day.

Perzik

Secret arts

Mon, 23 May 2005 21:11:47 GMT

“PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail-in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.”

A friend of mine posted a link to The Post Secret Project. Some are funny, some are cheerful. A lot are sad, hurt, or shameful. It’s a neat idea, and I like how they’ve handled it, trying to show a lot of variety and different views. It makes me wonder what I want to send in.

Check it out. But be warned, not all are "family friendly."

Perzik

Amsterdam Lesson Two

Wed, 18 May 2005 21:41:17 GMT

I am good at a lot of things that build up and help other people. I am a good encourager, for God allows me to see more in people than they see in themselves. That also makes me a gifted healer; in fact, the ability to heal others’ hearts is the only spiritual gift I really claim. I am an experienced evangelist. I am a good friend, or so I have been told, and while I do not like to serve, when called upon to do so I serve faithfully and fully.

I have other strengths, of course, but I also have my weaknesses. Some of these are moral weaknesses, such as my tendency to tell small lies when I am unexpectedly embarrassed, and others are simply a lack of skill. One such weakness and my struggle with it has given me a new perspective, one which I am sure will be somewhat controversial for many people in GCM. I have thought about this lesson in my life, and there is a suggestion toward GCM and other organizations that is inherently wrapped up in it. At least, the circumstances which brought about this lesson are. I therefore want to begin by saying how glad I have been to be a part of GCM, how much I have loved it, how wonderful an organization I think it is, and how much I desire to say what I have to say in absolute love. No group is perfect, and I know that those who read this outside of GCM will not lose respect for it because of this, nor will those inside it be ashamed to know the group can still grow, for they know it already. What you decide to do with this particular suggestion is up to you: I do not claim to know more than my small part of GCM, and even that may be colored by my own perspective. And from what I’ve seen, GCM is doing better than most other ministries.

Ever since I first became a Christian in GCM, I have heard about the desperate need in our churches for leaders. And the need is real: I know all too well how difficult a job it is. Few people are willing to stand up and become leaders, or even train to do so. It takes a lot of time, a lot of patience, a lot of courage. I have been to many conferences specifically designed toward making better leaders, and I have been to weekly meetings with the same purpose. These are good things! So where is the problem? I would like to say I saw it when I looked at how things were going, but to be honest, I only noticed it when it really started to negatively impact me.

I am a poor leader. I believe I have the integrity of a leader, I believe I have enough training to be a leader, but still nearly every time I have ever tried to lead, I have failed miserably. I have been apprenticed on more than one occasion, and have had plenty of opportunities to lead. I led a small group for a very short time, and a life group a little longer than that. I have led in many ways at many times, and I have no doubt I will still be called upon to lead in some ways. I have often had a vision I sincerely believed in, and which I have tried to share with others. I still keep trying every now and then – if I feel God gives me a message, I will share it – but while people often listen, and often take to heart what I say, they will almost never follow me.

I tried very hard for many years to be a good leader. I went to the classes, I read the books, I talked with those more gifted than I. This has made me a better leader, but it has not made me a good one. I can’t tell you how many times I would hear about someone who was maturing in Christ, “I wonder how long it will be until they’re leading?” Since integrity was considered the single greatest requirement for leadership, as it ought to be, many of us unconsciously believed that a righteous person would inevitably become a leader of some sort in the church. I know I believed it, and most of the people I encountered did, too. We often were told to pray for our leaders, for their protection. We believed they would receive the greatest spiritual attack, since they did the most vital work, and thus the devil could do more harm by harming the leaders.

I was not a leader, despite all my efforts, and this could make me feel inadequate sometimes. It was not a big problem, for I knew I had my place and I knew I had my strengths. Still, I felt I had more to live up to, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t.

One day, I read what Paul had to say about the subject:

Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully. (Taken from Romans 12)

Paul, it seems, valued leadership greatly, but no more than he valued teaching, serving, giving, or encouraging. To him, the different gifts and abilities are like different colors in a picture – each is stronger because of the presence of the others. Here, he only encouraged a select few to really pursue leadership. Here, he encouraged more to do other things, such as serving, teaching, and encouraging.

I thought of Barnabas. I think he was mentioned more often in the New Testament than most of the Apostles. What was he so known and admired for? It wasn’t his leadership: it was his encouragement. In fact, he was so known for it that he is almost never called by his real name. Instead they use his nickname, Barnabas, which means Son of Encouragement. Here was a man of God who was greatly revered without ever leading anything, but by being a part of everything. He strengthened the leaders, the servants, the evangelists, the prophets. Through verses such as these, and examples such as Barnabas, I was finally able to see that perhaps God never really wanted me to be a leader. He gave me other gifts, and wanted me to do other things. Through this, I came to see that those other gifts are just as needed, just as necessary, just as important. I learned that I had just as important a part to play without ever being a leader.

Now I do not believe for a moment that this means I should never lead. I have before; I will again. Someone who is not a gifted servant, such as myself, must still often serve. God will use us in areas where we appear to be poorly suited. I myself will follow God wherever he leads me, even if I know it is in an area of weakness. But I will not be ashamed of that weakness, and when God is silent, I will pursue other ways of contributing.

But all this is only the beginning of the lesson. Later on, I learned through another set of verses such overemphasis on leadership doesn’t just hurt those of us who cannot lead well; it also hurts those who can.

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines.

The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit into one body—whether Jews or Greeks, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink.

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. (Taken from 1 Corinthians 12)

Our leaders are often expected to be superheroes. They are expected to lead by example, and when it comes to leading with integrity, I believe that’s good. But often, they are also expected to be the ones who pray the most, serve the most, do everything more than others, because that was supposed to be leading by example. They are expected to be the most giving, the most wise, the most patient, and the most godly. In how many small groups, I wonder, is the leader not considered to be the most spiritually mature person in the group? Or how often is the wisest person not leading? The pressure leaders are under is great, and I have seen many people fall away from leadership, the church, or even Christ because of it. Where, I wonder, are leaders allowed to be weak? Where are they allowed to be weaker than those who follow them?

I do not believe leaders need to have half the abilities most other people seem to feel they need. Do you see, in Romans, how Paul encourages the leaders to lead and the teachers to teach? Notice how they are talked about as two different groups of people. Now, a leader may well have the ability to teach, but more often I see it considered a requirement. How long has it been since someone who wasn’t a pastor, or a ministry leader of any kind, spoke in front of your church? For most churches, that is never.

But I digress; I am here more to talk about the lesson I learned, and I have pressed the correction enough. For the lesson I learned in accepting my poor leadership abilities was complimented by learning no leader is strong in all ways. What I learned, simply, was that we were designed in such a way as to need each other. Whether we are a leader, an evangelist, an administrator, or whatever, we need the people around us, and we need the gifts they bring to us by the Holy Spirit. All need all. The leader is not higher or lower than the servant; not more important, not less. The work they do is neither more nor less essential. Remove a hand or a foot, and the body will still be handicapped. Remove a leader or an encourager, or anything else, and the body of Christ will still be sorely lacking. Each gift provides a part no other can, and we need to express our gifts as much as possible, as well as encourage others to do the same.

I believe I have seen this lived out. The Zolder was the living example of this lesson. All gifts were valued, and I’m not sure any particular gift was considered greater than the next. Every single person was recognized for what they brought to the group, and every contribution was appreciated. There, they also took a different view of what a leader was really supposed to do. A leader, I heard, mostly helped others to live out their gifts and their calling. When our leader suddenly left us, it was the hardest blow we received the entire time I was there. We reeled from it, but we did not fall. We persevered, and continued to follow God and continue the work he had for us in Holland. Each of us still had our role to play, and we all knew how much we needed those people who had the gifts we lacked.

The lesson in short:

We all have some gifts and some weaknesses. Everyone has just as important a role to play in building up each other, and no one has everything it takes. Everyone needs everyone else.

So there it was. I felt this would be controversial, and I encourage you to add your opinion to this. Do you agree? Disagree? Let me hear so, and why.